


Loki sucks at villainy

by IxiLecter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Loki (Marvel), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Loki is a Diva, and a precious cinamon roll that wants to get revenge, but sucks at it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15714996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IxiLecter/pseuds/IxiLecter
Summary: Loki escapes the Asgard prison and goes to Earth to get even with the Avengers but things go a little differently than he plans.Basically Loki trying to do bad - take his revenge and become an evil overlord - but somehow always ending up doing good.Also cupcakes, reluctant minions and Nick Fury wishing for a raise.





	1. Hell hath no fury like a god scorned

**Author's Note:**

> This is intended to make you laugh. If I fail in it (in the same way Loki fails in his evil ways) I apologize (he won't). :)

Loki huffed as he sat down on the bed. His ‘trial’ (basically just Odin making his displeasure known) ended ten minutes ago and then they took him to his new accomodation, i.e. a cell.

He huffed again. His  _ not-father _ seemed pretty angry. Loki was quite sure that Odin had not been so furious due to Loki’s attacking a realm, but because the said attack took place without his order or assent. He was also quite certain that the rest of Asgard was upset with their second prince not only because of that, but also because he  _ didn’t _ manage to conquer the realm in question - despite having a large army.

What a mess! 

First he found out he was adopted - and that was him being generous with the term: more like stolen - and thus the possibility of him getting the throne was about the same as Thor giving up Mjolnir. Namely: non-existent. As if there was a chance in Hel that Asgard would want a frost giant’s ass warming up the throne (the whole golden son being preferable aside). Ridiculous! 

Then he somehow ended up in the void and in the hands of a giant purple grape (the grape called himself Tennis or something like that) and was given an opportunity to get his own realm. But noooo. His not-brother simply had to show up and help those mortals defeat him and his army. HIS army! Dammit why Thor did not let him have nice things?! That oaf always stole from his plate, hogged the blanket when they shared it on quests, regularly borrowed his hairbrush when losing his own and now he took away his army! Stupid Thor.

Loki was sure he would be an excellent overlord. He could just picture himself: laying on a sofa in the shade of his gigantic golden statue, eating grapes and watching a heroic play of his triumph. It would be perfect. But Thor and those stupid new friends of his (green beast, mewling quim, not-a-bad-minion, too-old-virgin and cannot-shut-his-mouth) had to ruin it. Insipid little cretins.

He should take revenge on them. Not kill them, because that did not sound like a proper God-of-Mischief-revenge, more like… Thor-revenge. Decidedly not. They were going to feel his wrath and weep! But he should be probably quick about it, their weak species grew old so quickly that they might have already died before he finished this thought.

And he should also conquer Midgard while he’s there. To show that he could.

Satisfied with his plans Loki nodded and took the first look around his cell. He was not impressed.

It was probably time to leave, he must have been in this cell and least fifteen minutes. Hopefully they will consider it enough of redeeming time when they find him gone.

Loki closely examined the magic around the glass and decided that the easiest solution was to use his Jotunn powers. That’s right, Jotunn powers. He still was not on the moon about his ancestry, but Tennis had a lot coloured children that scoffed at Loki for not wanting to be blue (Nebula threw a mace at him) and not learning about powers that could help him kill better. Tennis must have been a weird dad based on his kids’ issues.

By freezing the magic conductors powering the cell he temporarily disabled the spell on the glass and walked through it. Then he illusioned himself as a guard and walked towards the kitchen. There he stole a lot of food prepared to the feast celebrating Thor’s return (and also all of Odin’s favorite desserts) and magicked the rest of the food to taste like cooked cabbage (not-a-bad-minion introduced him to this flavour during their shared time and Loki immediately decided that the flavour is perfect for revenge purposes).

After causing some further Mischief (spelling all shampoo stock in the castle to turn hair pink, throwing Odin’s eye-patches in the void and shrinking all Thor’s left shoes one size smaller) he left for Midgard.


	2. What is a cupcake?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is addapting to Midgard and tries to take his revenge on Steve.

Loki arrived in New York and he was not impressed. The city was loud, overflowing with mortals and kind of damaged (he might be _slightly_ responsible for the last point, but still). But it seemed that the Avengers were here so he should make himself at home. But after he devastates those lousy imbeciles and becomes the world emperor he will choose another city for his palace. Perhaps one with more place for his golden shiny statues.

First things first, he should get a dwelling. He gave it a thought: villains typically resided in their evil lairs (he learned this during hundreds of years of questing with Thor). How does one acquire an evil lair? A lot of those were transformed from seized castles or caves, and some villains constructed their own dungeons.

Loki frowned. That sounded suspiciously like a lot of work. It would be probably easier to just steal or buy something.

Having decided not to attract attention now he decided to buy a place. It seemed that due to the recent alien invasion a lot of properties were very _very_ cheap. Loki was certainly _not_ smirking when finding about this. And not cackling. Nor rubbing hands together evilly.

He hired a new minion. The estate agent protested against being called a minion until he saw the gold bars Loki pulled from his magic cache - his shares from hundreds of years of questing with Thor had made him very rich, hmm, maybe he should just buy this wretched planet instead - after said estate agent saw the riches he no longer called his new boss ‘crazy’ but merely ‘eccentric’ and was no longer bothered by the ‘minion’ address.

His new minion was a little confused by his demands but latched on the ‘worthy of a prince’ description and showed him a luxurious penthouse apartment. The God of Mischief liked it, more so that it was spacious and exoticaly furnished. It had also a beautiful view at the city and the Stark Tower, one that shall remind him of his goal every day until he crushes that cannot-shut-his-mouth worm.

The minion also showed him how to exchange gold for the green paper that humans now apparently used for paying. Loki decided that the workings of mortal money was one of the most ridiculous things he had ever seen - and he grew up with Thor! Odin’s beard! Conjuring up gold? Nearly impossible. Conjuring up paper? Loki learned that as a small lad!

He examined the paper and found out that the humans at least added some protections not easily visible by the eye and also different numbers to different banknotes, but that was still taken care of by a simple algorithm spell that assured that not all of his conjured money were going to look the same.

Loki filled one of his rooms with the paper money for later use. Now was time to take a stroll through the city and learn something about his future subjects.

Apparently the first thing he would be learning was that the humankind was obsessed with food (now it was starting to make sense that his not-brother took a liking to them). Vendors selling food, exoticaly looking taverns and shops full of weird foodlike items were _everywhere_. And… oh what is this?

The smell of something sweet lured the prince into a little brightly-colored store. (And he went there because he was curious if there is not someone to smite, and _not_ because he had one of the sweetest tooth on Asgard!)

The little shop was full of the same though differently colored pastry.

“Welcome to the CupcakeLand, sir!” said the girl behind the counter cheerfully. “Which cupcake would you like?”

Loki blinked. ”What is a cupcake?”

“Oh, you’re British!” said the mortal, took a good look at him (slowly from the head to toe) and swallowed nervously. Did she recognize him?

The potential threat continued: “Maybe you call it differently there? But if not, try one here.” she handed him one with pink frosting and multicolored sprinkles. “On the house.”

Loki did not see anything house-like around so decided to ignore it and taste the weird pastry.

Then he definitely did _not_ obscenely moan, the girl did not blushed, and he did not ended up buying a box of these devilish pastries (with the girl’s number scribbled on a napkin inside).

The number reminded him that he should get one of the objects called ‘a phone’, so he continued to find a store to carry this out. He also wondered if the girl was the one to prepare the cupcakes. He was not about to make her his consort (though maybe he could show her that his Silvertongue nickname had more than one meaning) but she would do just fine as a minion in charge of his sweets.

After a little a bit of walking and sampling more of the Midgard cuisine (ranging from I-shall-make-this-official-royal-dish to I-shall-ban-this-abomination-for-eternity) he found a store that seemed to specialise in those phone contraptions.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

Loki looked at the unkempt young creature that approached him.

“No.”

“Sorry?”

“You do not suffice to be even my temporary minion. Get me someone superior.” said Loki with his best royal flair of someone knowing that they are better than you.

“But-.”

“ _Now._ ”

The creature’s lip trembled as if wanting to cry and then truly left to get someone else. At least the new arrival had clean pressed shirt and his trousers were not showing knees.

Loki explained to his new minion (who was also not happy about being called thus until Loki showed him a thick pack of his conjured money) that he wanted the best phone and subsequently was not amused to find out that while there existed several good options, if he truly desired the best quality he would have to buy a Starkphone. STARKphone. Ugh.

In the end the God of Mischief _did_ buy his enemy’s product because it was simply the best. His phone-minion then spend a couple of hours instructing him how to use the phone.

The rest of Loki’s day was consumed by exploring the city (he decided that perhaps there was something to it, it was so wonderfully… chaotic), and text-messaging with his cupcake-minion. Apparently she _did_ make the cupcakes.

 

* * *

 

Loki spent the several weeks learning about Midgard and mortals. His new minions were allowed to assist him in his educations and he was starting to think that he is getting the hang of these mortals it until his phone-minion showed him the Internet.

Loki’s first impressions of the internet were these:

  * He loves the internet, it was a rich well of knowledge about his enemies. There was so much information he could learn!
  * He hates the internet, there were some things he did _not_ need to learn (especially about Tony Stark).
  * He loves the internet, there are millions of things called ‘videos’, which are something like… recordings of… everything possible? He especially loves the cat videos.
  * He hates the internet, especially realizing how much time he wasted by watching the cat videos.



From the internet he also learned that his not-brother returned to Midgard and was going to be a permanent member of the Avengers. Loki wondered whether the oaf told them about Loki’s escape or not. He decided to stop thinking of Thor and watch a cat video instead.

Every Tuesday his cupcake-minion was teaching how to bake the cupcakes at home. His cupcakes were still not as delicious as at the shop, but he was improving. He was also not sure if his cupcake-minion knew who he was or not - she was not afraid of him but was often moaning ‘oh, god’ in bed.

His estate-minion advised him to buy a couple of other properties while they were so cheap and since Loki could pay with his conjured paper, he did. The prince also instructed the estate-minion, who would be managing the properties, to exchange the colected rent to gold before giving it to him.

He also acquired a couple of new minions. His book-minion advised him on the topic of Midgardian books (Loki almost drooled when he entered the library for the first time) and his fashion-minion helped him to pick up a wardrobe (because the real material was always more comfortable than conjured one).

It was only when a friend of his cupcake-minion (who invited her to show Loki something called ménage à trois) asked him how long he had been in New York that he realized that it had been two months of his arrival and he had not taken his revenge yet.

 

* * *

 

Loki decided to start with the Captain. After all, he was the leader of the Avengers (or at least the mighty wikipedia said so), so he should suffer as the first.

But how to strike at him? The man had no one and no riches to steal (though perhaps a shield to spell pink). Loki frowned. Having decided to widen his research about the man he took his Stakpad to access some pages about the man. Perhaps there was still someone who… oh, OH.

Generally Loki regretted that his mind powers are not greater. He could only control someone using a powerful magical focus (like Tennis’ staff) and while he could briefly summon someone’s bad memories to the front of their mind, the stronger the person was mentally, the weaker attack it would be. So children and elders were easy target to mess with, the rest no so much.

But it seemed that there was an old lady named Peggy Carter who the dear Captain used to care for. She would be perfect to send a message. His mental attack should leave her sobbing for hours and perhaps with the lasting mind damage - who knows how his powers would work on humans? Perfect.

Loki took it slowly and first inspected the facility. He found out that the premises were being monitored by video cameras. Having pondered about that he decided to hide and only show himself in the room with his target - in his full Asgard regalia, and only partially turned to the camera, so the good captain would know that this is Loki’s work, but not enough for his neighbors and minions to recognize him (and then turn him in) if the police decided to publish the recording.

The execution of the plan itself was fairly anticlimactic. He went there, put his hands on the sleeping lady, put his mind and magic to do their worst in the woman’s mind (to his disappointment she did not even stir) and then teleported home.

After arriving home he yawned loudly. Mental charms without magical focus always tired him and now he did more in this area than ever before. He should probably rest. Let’s just sit on the bed for a while… and…

 

* * *

 

Loki woke up. The sun was down so he checked his Starkphone to find out how long he had slept. Six hours, hmm, WAIT, six hours and **three days**?!

The god frowned, it seemed that mental charms were truly not his strong suit. Days unable to defend himself were a high price indeed.

But after eating two cupcakes he calmed down. After all nobody caught him and dear captain was surely crushed. Perhaps he should check the internet if it was already in the news.

 **BOR’S ROTTING CORPSE! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!** (yes, after spending so much time on the internet it started to show on the god’s vocabulary)

It was good that he was no longer chewing when searching for the news because he would probably choke as the main topic was:

  
_Redemption for the attacker of New York?_

_As you know, the leader of the of the recent alien invasion was Loki, the second prince of Asgard and brother of Thor, who is someone between an ancient god of thunder and a really old alien._

_Most of the world became indignant after learning that Loki had escaped his cell in Asgard and disappeared. Nobody believed Thor’s proclamations that his brother surely escaped only for him to be able to make reparations and show that there is still good in him._

_But it seems that we were wrong because on Friday’s evening Loki did his first good deed! He snuck into the carehome of Peggy Carter, the war hero and Captain America’s close friend, and completely cured her Alzheimer while restoring her memories. Perhaps he wishes to repay the Avengers first?_

_…_

Loki did not need to read further. How could this go so wrong?! And what in Hel was an Alzheimer?!

 


	3. Let’s up the game

Nick Fury was not amused. Well, he was not amused most of time, but nowadays he excluded an I-am-not-fucking-amused aura so strong that several of SHIELD agents commented on that - somewhere where he could not hear them (and then they have been assigned to jobs no one else wanted, because Nick Fury had ears almost everywhere).

But really, it seemed that he could not catch a break. And to think that at first it seemed that everything was going the right way. His Avengers Initiative project was finally coming through (even if there had to happen an alien invasion to jumpstart it) with Captain America leading it, his agents providing direction and guidance, and Iron Man with Hulk being the big guns.

All his problems started when the blasted God of Thunder returned from his world. First it seemed to be a good thing. The director of SHIELD got a message from Stark that Thor had returned and wanted to join the Avengers. Good. Then he met with the Nordic god - the prince of Asgard wore no shoes and had bright pink hair. All right, not very prince-like but who cares about the new hippie look if Thor delivers some powerful hammer strikes to SHIELD enemies. But then the hippie god dropped the bombshell.

His fucking brother had escaped!

What kind of shitty prison did Odin run there?! Apparently the overlord wannabe didn’t spend even a whole day in his cell! What. The. Hell?

After hearing from Thor that Loki got rid of Odin’s eye-patches collection that the king had spent centuries compiling, Fury put _his_ eye-patches in the SHIELD vault. Better be safe than motherfucking sorry!

The pink-haired god said he didn’t know where his brother went but Fury had a hunch about it (the rest of the Avengers did as well - Barton started training to shoot eyes of dummies that were shaped suspiciously Loki-like).

In the next months the team was very busy and Thor _did_ earn his keep (he was paid in pop-tarts because Asgard was apparently full of gold but lacking in culinary experimentations). After the introduction of Avengers to the world, several high-profile villains such as Doom took it as an invitation to wreck New York even more. And they did it with such a force and determination that it almost looked like they were competing in being the bigger asshole.

And then Fury’s hunch proved to be true. The God of Mischief was on Earth! And SHIELD learned about it too late to contain it - when they found out the news was already trending around the whole world.

The most baffling was the matter in which Mr. I-am-burdened-with-glorious-purpose had returned. Fury expected a lot: another invasion, the second round of the let's-throw-Stark-out-of-the-window game, stabbing Thor (yes, thank you so fucking much Thor for that supposedly amusing little story ‘how me and my brother bonded in our youth  (seriously, Asgard was fucked up!) or even an attempt to mess with his eye-patches, but healing an elderly woman?

What?

Moreover it was Peggy Carter, woman Steve Rogers _and_ Nick Fury had a soft spot for (though the latter would deny it). Fury did _not_ want to be grateful to that gold-and-green-themed fucker.

And now Rogers joined Thor in thinking Loki should be given a _chance_ . The worst thing though was that Rogers was _proactive_ about it. He scheduled several meetings with Fury to persuade him to add Loki to the Avengers - someone had even taught the captain how to make PowerPoint presentations for fuck’s sake! If there was one thing Fury did not need in his life, it was experiencing a PowerPoint presentation titled ‘Why should Loki become an Avenger’. Rogers also spoke about it to the press and pretty much everyone who listened. Fury was not paid enough for this shit.

What a motherfucking mess. At least he knew he could rely on his organization to deal with anything that would come up. Hopefully nothing bad or confusing as this.

What Nick Fury did not know was that it was going to be **much** worse.

 

* * *

 

_Exclusive interview with Captain America!_

_Steve Rogers, veteran of World War II and national icon, joined us today to speak about important matters._

_“Thank you so much for having me. It is a pity that the newspaper media does not allow me to show my PowerPoint presentation, because I’m finally learning the ropes of modern technology and have results to show it. Fortunately a lovely lady named Ellen promised me that I can come to her talk show and present it there. What I want to speak to you about is the subject of redemption and second chances. Loki is sorry about what he did-”_

Sorry? **Sorry**?!

Loki was fuming as he read another of those blasphemic articles on his Starkpad. How dares the defrosted shield-bearing nincompoop claim that Loki regrets anything he does?!

He is the prince of Asgard, the prince of Jotunheim and the God of Mischief and he does what he wants! And now he wants to be a villain and take his revenge and have minions and rule this realm and have a lot of golden statues and… and… learn how to bake the perfect cupcakes!

That’s right, he is a terrifying being who should everyone be afraid of and not some regretful creature clamoring for redemption!

And also-

Loki was interrupted in his thoughts by hearing the door being unlocked. Since he wasn’t about to get up and go to open the door every time his cupcake-minion was visiting, he gave her the key to his apartment. For some reason she has been really excited about this gesture. Midgardians were weird.

“Hi! I was- … oh, what’s wrong?” she said when she saw his figure sprawled lethargically on the couch.

“Tired.” summarized the god since he was still exhausted from the mental manipulation and his minion would probably not understand an explanation of his unsuccessful revenge (and possibly run away screaming which would put damper on his cupcake baking education).

She looked worried since she had never seen him anything but fully awake and ready. He pondered that he should probably give more endeavour to look proper in front of his minion but now he honestly couldn’t bother.

“Do you have coffee here?” she asked and the future emperor sullenly shook his head.

“Well, let’s go get some.” she started to shoo him in the direction of his wardrobe (probably for him to change to something more appropriate for his station, his minion was attentive like that). He acquiesced - the yoga pants he was now wearing, while incredibly comfortable, should not be seen on him outside (even if he was currently incognito).

Since Loki was not about to admit that he had no idea what this 'coffee’ thing was (hopefully some kind of pastry?) he followed his minion quietly while she was complaining about her co-worker, some horrible woman named Cheryl who was making her life unpleasant.

“Do you wish me to smite her?” the god asked her in a serious matter.

She laughed and kissed his cheek. Was that a yes or a no?

“We’re here. Have you ever been in one of these?” she asked pointing at the establishment across the street.

As he was shaking his head he read the name and was about to tell her that he was not in the mood for another product of the cannot-shut-his-mouth Avenger but then he noticed the tavern was named Starbucks, not Star **k** bucks. Very well then.

The cupcake-minion sat him at the table and went to get the unknown product for him (like a proper minion should - Loki was quite pleased with her). As the god was looking around he noticed a strange smell. Not unpleasant, just peculiar.

After careful studying of his surroundings he deduced that the famed ‘coffee’ is in all likelihood a drink. And looking at the customers around, the drink was quite worshipped, some humans clutched their cups as if it was their salvation and reason to live. Perhaps it was a drink worthy of a god after all.

Loki waited about five minutes before his minion came back with two cups and gave him one. “Here it is. A caramel-pistachio frappuccino with vanilla syrup and chocolate chips.”

The prince eyed the not so bad looking drink and took a long sip. Having finished the sip he _may_ have moaned. And if so, it was a short quiet moan, certainly not a long, loud and toe-curling one.

When he finally opened his eyes and sighed blissfully he noticed that their table had the attention of the nearby woman population and his minion was glowering at them. When one of the women stood and seemed wanting to approach their table his minion even _growled_.

Was she getting territorial? It _was_ true that one could not wish for a better master than him, and perhaps she was afraid that he would try to acquire a coffee-minion there after _she_ had showed the heavenly coffee to him.

Since he was still too tired for any minion-acquiring and did not want to upset his favorite minion, he decided to entrust her to be his coffee-minion as well as cupcake-minion and led her outside to finish their drinks during a walk through his future capital city (that’s correct, despite the first impressions he took quite the liking to New York - and he could always pull down some buildings to make more space for his golden statues).

“Any reason you’re so bummed up?” she asked while offering him _her_ coffee after he had practically inhaled his (oh yes, she was definitely his favorite minion).

Loki thought how to simplify his situation. “There is a project I am working on. My brother and his friends are my competitors in this. I recently thought that I was having a breakthrough - I ventured in an area I am not truly strong in and thought it will work out, but in the end it was _them_ my idea benefited.”

“Oh Luke! (he was using this name since it was similar to his but not giving his identity away) That sucks. Well, experimenting is truly great and all that, but maybe you should just hold on to your strong suits. I bet you can knock them on their asses with that!”

He smiled at her. She was right, he should not have tried using his mental powers on humans without a magical focus. In the future, he should use his magical knowledge and abilities (after all, he was, as the internet would say, a badass sorcerer) and soon the Avengers are going to become a weeping huddle of defeated ex-heroes.

“You are right, thank you, my cupcake-minion (she was the only one of his minions not complaining about being called one, she even told him it was a cute pet name).” He mimicked her previous gesture and kissed her on her cheek. She blushed and smiled back (and later almost passed out in his bed since he was brimming with energy after the coffee and all good minions must be rewarded).

 

* * *

 

Having pondered about the next step in his revenge and domination plans, he decided he needed to step up his game. Not to target a single person, but multiple. Namely: the whole SHIELD. That pack of fools contributed heavily to his defeat and with them crippled his path to being the Midgard’s leader shall certainly be easier.

But how to strike at them? He could design a spell affecting all beings in a certain place, so if he casts it at the Helicarrier (though the object of this magnitude could tire him as much as that cursed mental manipulation) all of the humans inside will be hit by his charm. But what should the spell do?

Mentally mapping all he knew about his new target, he still did not now how to punish the agency (spelling their hair pink won’t do, especially in Fury’s case) and thus decided he needed to learn more about SHIELD and also spy organizations of Midgard in general.

His library-minion introduced him to several history books about spying and famous spies, and also spy novels (and so what if he ended staying up all night reading Le Carré’s books).

His phone-minion told him he could learn something from spy movies. That led to Loki discovering _movies_ \- because while he had encountered a great deal of videos on the internet (such as cat videos, porn, or baking tutorials) he usually skipped those too long ones.

What a colossal mistake that was! Because movies were a fantastic idea. Recorded plays that one can replay over and over? Brilliant! After he conquers this planet he shall make a great movie about his triumph. It will be called: _Loki, the saviour of Earth._ Only the best actors are going to be in it - maybe Meryl Streep as his mother and Robert de Niro as his fa-... not-father? Loki's character is going to be played by a British actor since Loki found them more dramatic. And Thor’s portrayal will be fat, ugly and stupid (on second thought maybe his not-father’s as well: no De Niro for you, Odin!). Oh yes, it shall be glorious!

As for the spy movies there was none about SHIELD but there were many more about other organizations. He quite like those about a certain British MI6 agent. He considered for a short time to start introducing himself as either Odinson, Loki Odinson or Laufeyson, Loki Laufeyson, but since he didn't know which of his crappy father to choose for his name, he discarded the whole idea.

 **All** of his minions (and their number was steadily growing as he also acquired a massage-minion, hairstylist-minion and manicure-minion) had to suffer his rants when he discovered Harry Potter.

Because - all of that foolish portraying of magic aside - what in Odin’s beard was that treatment of Slytherins?! Oh look, that eleven year old child is ambitious and cunning so they must be evil. Let’s ostracize them and treat them as hellspawns. What the Norns?! Also those loyal and hardworking are seen as the worst option for a house and the knowledge-seeking ones underappreciated; just the house of Thors: brave, reckless and without a plan is favorited and rewarded for breaking the rules?! That is not all right Lady Rowling! (And noooo, all this certainly did _not_ remind Loki of anything back in Asgard. And he did not need to smash something or eat several cupcakes when thinking about it.)

Loki hated Dumbledore and hated Gryffindors (except the Weasley twins, they did have some redeeming qualities), and he considered changing his green-and-gold theme to gold-and-silver to show his support for Slytherins, but the thing was he was still very partial to gold (that must have been caused by the Asgard upbringing), so he was yet undecided about the matter.

At least after several rounds of his rants, the cupcake-minion bought him a 'Slytherins are the best’ mug (she really _was_ a great minion, Barton had never got him anything).

Despite educating himself on the topic of spy organizations and watching dozens of Midgardian movies (Gandalf was a similar badass sorcerer as he was!) he still didn’t have an idea for a spell that would harm SHIELD.

Meanwhile the Captain and Thor also upped their game. The twitter and several other sites almost broke after they posted a photo of them in **wet** T-shirts which each read 'Give Loki a chance’. Who would guess that Steve Rogers could be such a Slytherin?

 

* * *

 

Today Loki and his cupcake-minion were on their way to a small coffee shop which she liked and wanted to show him (he was pleased that she was taking the duty of being his coffee-minion as serious as the cupcake duty). They were taking a walk because he liked to experience the chaos of the city.

His minion was just explaining the importance of the quality of chocolate when making chocolate-based cupcakes when they heard a voice: “Mary! Mary, wait!”

Loki would have paid no mind to it but his companion turned around. Why would she... oh right, her Midgardian name was Mary (the cupcake-minion moniker suited her far better in his opinion - and was easier to remember).

His minion was not smiling which was odd for her. “Hello, Cheryl (Ah! So this was the Cheryl person. His minion’s rants about this creature were almost as frequent as his about Gryffindors). How are you?” the cupcake-minion asked and gritted her teeth.

“Oh I am simply fabulous! When I saw you across the street with I had to say hello. Is this the famous Luke you were gushing about?” said the quite attractive woman who did not make a good impression on Loki. And it was more than her being that terrible coworker of his minion. Did he meet her before? (By the way he _did_ notice the ‘gushing’ remark. His minion was gushing about him? Of course if anyone deserved to be gushed about it _was_ him, but still, it was nice to hear).

“Yes, he’s my-”

“So, what are you to Mary?” interrupted the new person - which Loki started to like less and less - rudely.

“She is my cupcake-minion.” said the god curtly.

“Really?” said the woman and threw a look at his minion as if she could not believe it. “Don’t you want rather _me_ to be your cupcake-minion?” she asked coquettishly and tittered. That’s right, _tittered_.

As she continued batting her eyelashes at him - ignoring his minion who was practically vibrating with anger - he suddenly realized who she reminded him of.

It was all of those fake brown-nosers and social climbers he had met at various banquets and functions who were like 'Oh so you are the prince of Asgard I heard so much about…’ and continued trying to ingratiate themselves right until they met Thor which changed their tune to 'Oh so you are the _crown_ prince of Asgard I heard so much about…’ and forgetting all about Loki.

He gave her his best disdainful look: “Careful how you speak about my cupcake-minion, peasant. You are unfit to even kiss the lem of her robes. And if you do not stop bothering her, first I shall buy the place you work in and cease your employment, then I will buy the building your surely pathetic flat resides and throw you at streets and _then_ I find all people you care for and show them what a miserable and rotten excuse for a human you are. Now scuttle.” he waved royally and as she huffed and ran away in tears he threw a spell on her. For the next week all her food was going to taste like cabbage.

“Well, that was-” he didn’t finish because suddenly he was tightly hugged and then kissed over and over.

“You. Are. Absolutely. Amazing!” breathed his minion and Loki preened.

“Really, you’re such a B.A.M.F! (What was that? He shall google it later.) Did you see her face when you threatened to buy CupcakeLand and fire her? That was gold! You could have also threatened to buy it and give it to me, so I would become her boss, L.O.L. (Another blasted abbreviation, is the mortal life truly so brief that they have to shorten everything?) So if you don’t have anything in your mind for my birthday next month, CupcakeLand would be a brill gift.” she laughed. He made a mental note of that. It was nice of his minion to give him ideas for her rewards, most of his other minions did not make that effort.

They resumed walking to their goal and she continued praising him (he continued preening). After a while she said: “It’s a pity there is not a spell or something like that which would write on the forehead what the person is, I bet her would read ‘bitch’.”

Oh. OH!

 

* * *

 

Finally, Loki had it. His minion gave him an idea what spell to use to undermine SHIELD.

The idea to put an inscription on one’s head was not novel: Thor had spent one memorable day having an ‘OAF’ printed on his forehead. The best about it was that all servants and guards that encountered the God of Thunder were too hesitant to tell him, so it was until he met Allfather that he learned about his new embellishment. It was hilarious (and definitely worth the subsequent Odin’s yelling and Thor’s pursuit of him).

But Loki won’t just spell all humans on the Helicarrier to wear ‘SHIELD’ on their foreheads - though that itself will beautifully cripple the agency. He could not imagine James Bond with MI6 on his forehead infiltrating _anything_. But Loki will do more than that.

He decided to combine it with an old ancient spell revealing loyalty. So those truly loyal to the organization shall be marked with ‘SHIELD’, those loyal mainly to themselves will display their name, and Loki would not be surprised if several of them are going to have ‘Nobody’ as their new decoration because some individuals are not true even to themselves. That shall sow some great dischords to the agency as nothing shall break a team as fast as the reveal of unloyal tendencies (and Loki doubted that the man of Fury had his organization full of Hufflepuff).. Furthermore if the god puts some power to the spell, it could last as long as three months. Loki cackled.

He also decided to leave a note for the director reading: ‘Are your minions truly loyal? Loki.’ And perhaps he could leave tips to other state agencies and the press, so the marked  agents would be publicly gawked at and humiliated (while he shall take the credit and finally score some villainous points).

Perfect.

Now he needed the right time to realize his indeed brilliant plan. Since he started studying the spy agencies he began to follow several low-level SHIELD agents. Thus he learned about a supposedly big meeting of the organization and its associates. That was it! The more targets the better (even if it shall exhaust his magical reserves even more).

Before the Day D he told his cupcake-minion he was leaving the city for a couple of days for work and layered his apartment with additional protection charms. His fridge was fully stocked so he could later replenish the energy (and yes, at least half of it were sweets).

Finally. The time was ripe. Now he will show everyone who he truly is. Loki of Asgard and Jotunheim, B.A.M.F. sorcerer who will have his revenge and most importantly: a **villain** (well, right until he conquers this planet and rewrites the history - see, Odin, I _did_ learn something from you after all).

He casted the spell and teleported home to sleep. Based on his exhaustion the Helicarrier was truly crammed with humans. Excellent.

 

* * *

 

Loki woke up and checked the time. He was asleep for four days and couple of hours. But it was certainly worth it. SHIELD will never forget who brought them to their knees.

He ate several cupcakes and turned on his Starkpad to check the news.

WHAT IN THE NINE REALMS?! **NOT AGAIN!!!**

The main article was:

 _Loki, the saviour of Earth?_ (Hey, that was supposed to be the title of his movie!)

_Several parts of the government are still in upheaval after the recent reveal of HYDRA, an evil organization that had been thought to be fully defeated in the forties by Captain America._

_HYDRA was not dead but hidden, slowly infiltrating the governmental agencies and important positions in order to reach their ultimate goal: the world domination._

_It is only thanks to our favorite redemption seeker, Loki of Asgard, that their existence was revealed. Loki casted some kind of a spell - his brother Thor was unable to explain its intricacies to us - revealing hundreds of agents and state officials (such as Alexander Pierce) as either HYDRA or SHIELD (with some exceptions). Fortunately, most of them have been exposed as SHIELD, also present in the place of the reveal were several Avengers and most of the state agencies were warned something was going to happen, so the reaction was swift, and an enormous investigation has been launched immediately._

_Who knows when and in what kind of messy manner would HYDRA reveal itself if not for Loki’s intervention._

_..._

No. No, no, no, no, **NO**! Why these things kept happening to him?!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course Thor's story about him bonding with Loki that Fury muses about is the one from Thor: Ragnarok (if you haven't seen it, search for Thor Ragnarok Snake Story on youtube, it's hilarious :-)).


	4. Are there courses teaching villainy?

It has been several weeks since that disastrous spell and Loki still felt the need to smite someone whenever he was reminded about it. Which was happening all the time since the general public (herd of misinformed witless sheep!) apparently decided that he was a _hero._  

Loki scoffed. He was a villain, dammit! Why did nobody see it? Even the Avengers were ‘coming around’: the redhead spy, the billionaire donning a Gryffindor-colored armour and the shy scientist with a green alter ego joined their teammates with proclamations of second chances, an available spot on their team and other audacious ideas. 

Thank the Norns for Barton! 

Only his ex-minion understood him, and was still spewing curses and suspicions about his ex-master every time someone approached the topic. It showed that Loki had excellent taste in minions.

Having pondered about it, the god understood why _Banner_ acquiesced, as the counterpart of the beast was not someone to go against the flow. _Romanov_ agreed perhaps because she saw what a badass sorcerer Loki was and imagined all the possibilities how his powers could ameliorate the team...

But Stark?!

_Stark_ was thrown from a window by the god, his tower demolished by Loki and his army, and now - because the inventor was present at the Helicarrier when the spell revealing loyalties was cast - he was now forced to live with the word ‘PEPPER’ printed on his forehead.

And the perpertiously-babbling-buffoon was not enraged by this but he seemed extremely proud of it! What the hell? Proud of being loyal to a black powder one adds to their food? Loki tasted the Midgardian version of it and did not understood why would Stark prefer it to all his riches and creations, and also why the inventor did not mind his new forehead mark. Thor did really hit a new low with these teammates.

Furthermore, as if the intense news coverage of the god’s supposed heroic deed and the Avengers’ support (sans Barton) were not enough, to the Loki’s utter horror various merchandise of him started to appear! The god saw several New Yorkers wearing t-shirts and hoodies that had an outline of his helmet printed on them. HIS helmet!

How in the deepest pit of Muspelheim did _that_ happen?!

And it was one thing to see a small toy representing his brother in a store (he learned that Midgardians called them ‘action figures’), but to see something like that depicting _him_?!

That was… that was…

Enraging, bewildering, flattering, upsetting, and though he wouldn’t admit it, even a little heart-warming.

Very well - he was a _little_ unsure how he felt about the whole thing. Because in its own way it _was_ a way of worship. And Loki was a god! He couldn’t _not_ enjoy worship, so it was utterly all right to bask in it a little bit, right? No one could judge him for it, even if it was this misguided hero worship and not one coming from him conquering the planet.

But there was one aspect of it all that was killing him.

Loki could not rant about it to any of his minions (so they would not find out who he was and turn him in)!

Thus he the only one he could complain to about the unfairness was Salazar, a wonderful snake plushie his cupcake-minion gifted to him.

Salazar was a brilliant companion. He was very fluffy yet still looked a little menacing. Loki could put him around his shoulders while he paced and ranted in his flat, and he could also cuddle the plushie at night (ehm, no, not cuddle, what a ludicrous thought - Loki did not do cuddling! What he meant was that he was keeping it in bed so... nobody would steal it, that’s right, nothing more. And if there was a photo of him cuddling Salazar as the background picture on his cupcake-minion’s phone, it was one of those Photoshopped thing, certainly not a genuine photograph and he shall smite anyone who would dare to indicate otherwise!).

Salazar have been a perfect gift.

Loki frowned. His minion must have put a lot of thought in it when picking Salazar, and also in all the other wonderful gifts she gave him (such as Slytherin themed tie, various cupcake cookbooks or tickets to Midgardians shows that could interest him - he was definitely rooting for the Phantom in the Phantom of the Opera).

He should probably give her more presents. The only thing he had recently given her was the CupcakeLand establishment on the day celebrating her birth (and if he didn’t know it was her idea, he would almost say that she was shocked by his gesture, though definitely _definitely_ pleased and grateful). He decided to reward his minion some more and in different ways, after all there was only limited amount of sex that a mortal body can handle. Perhaps jewelry? Or he could bake her some cupcakes that would be composed of her favorite flavours?

Yes, there were still things that pleased him even though his one-god-invasion was not going very well at the moment.

Though, if he was technical about it, he _did_ kind of destroy SHIELD, or at least this version of it.

There have already been talks about a new SHIELD, one that would be under much greater observation and lead by someone else than Nick Fury (most of the government was not very impressed with the one-eyed spy right now, to Loki’s great amusement). It seemed that the new leader of the agency was going to be Peggy Carter, or at least for now. She may be quite old but with her sound mind returned she was still quite a formidable lady and had Captain America supporting her.

In the chaos that followed the end of SHIELD Loki tried to locate Tennis’ sceptre. The god did not succeed, but at least found (and stole) Nick Fury’s eye-patches.

 

* * *

 

In the following weeks Loki’s biggest accomplishment was discovering **ice-cream** (up to this point he had been - perhaps unconsciously - avoiding things the names of which contained ‘ice’, ‘frost’ and so on).

It may not sound like ground-breaking event, but it truly _was_ , because:

  1. Ice-cream was one of the tastiest dishes Loki has ever eaten. It may have been caused by his Jotunn ancestry, but he found the cold creamy texture entirely perfect. To the rest of his life he could eat only ice-cream (with an occasional cupcake or chocolate) and his taste buds would not complain. Combine that with his sweet tooth and the opportunities for flavours, ingredients, frostings, sprinkles, … and oh my!
  2. If he ever decided that he does in fact want to rule Jotunheim, he was pretty sure he could seize control of it just by introducing them to ice-cream (and promising more). He would be undoubtedly worshipped on Jotunheim forever.



Perhaps he should try more of these ice and frost dishes. Didn’t he see a store selling something called ‘frozen yoghurt’ nearby?

But aside from that, his plans to subjugate the Earth (wait, not Earth, but Midgard - when did he start to think about it as Earth?!) were not going very well.

Being a villain sounded very easy, but Loki started to fear it may not be so. After all, no matter what he did, it did not end up as a nefarious deed. And even with his invasion it was the _army_ and not _him_ doing most of the damages - furthermore he learned that even the man he had stabbed at the Helicarrier (Phil, Son of Coul) did not in fact die. That was truly depressing.

Perhaps there is more to it than just to decide one wants to be a villain?

Loki has always been an excellent student. He had always better marks than Thor (all right, that was not that much of a feat) and his poem in Groot was still considered a true masterpiece by the Asgardian Groot-speakers (it started like this: _I am Groot. I_ **_am_ ** _Groot. I am Groot. I am GROOT._ \- pause for effect - _I am Grooooot. I am Groot_....).

But there were no courses teaching the art of villainy (Loki checked).

To educate himself at villainy, he decided to propose an alliance to an accomplished villain from Earth, but which one? The Avengers fought regularly with several varied villains (Magneto’s Brotherhood, evil businessmen such as Norman Osborn, beings from different dimensions, …) but in the end Loki decided to combine his forces with Doom.

Victor von Doom was a leader of Latveria who was attempting to create robots by merging magic and technology. After each successful batch of robots (which the nitwit ‘creatively’ called Doombots) he came to New York to pit them against the Avengers and had his ass (and his robots’ asses) kicked. The newspapers called him one of the greatests Earth supervillains since he was not easily caught or prosecuted and his visits often resulted in deaths and massive damage to the city.

Loki could teach this simpleton, who referred to himself in third person, a little bit of magic in return for some villainous tips.

What could go wrong?

 

* * *

 

It was some time before Doom reappeared - it seemed as if he spent a lot of time and effort on this new batch of robots since they were especially strong, almost indestructible and extremely vicious. (Loki meanwhile found out that trying frozen yoghurt indeed _was_ a good idea, acquired several new minions such as the accountant-minion and continued to explore the culture of Earth with his cupcake-minion.)

When Doom finally appeared, Loki did not hesitate, he donned his armour and helmet, and teleported to the roof where Doom was watching the fight of his Doombots with the Avengers (Doombots were winning).

Loki evaded the beam that Doom sent in his way. “Wait, I desire to speak with you, Lord Doom.” He said with his best royal flair.

“Why would Doom want to speak with the Asgardian prince?” said Doom but ceased his attack. After all, there should be some manners between royalty.

“I wish to propose an alliance. I have learned magic for hundreds of years and seen many attempts to combine it with various technology. You could use my assistance with your creations.”

“Doom does not work with heros.” frowned the levitating master of robots.

“I am no _hero_.” spat Loki and glared.

“Doom saw the news. The Asgardian prince performs only heroic deeds and yearns for redemption. Not a good ally for Doom.” said Loki’s potential source of villainy education. “Leave, before Doom shows you what Doom does to heroes.”

Loki, seeing that their bargaining was over for now, teleported away to a nearby roof.

He had to show this imbecile that he was serious about being a villain!

 

* * *

 

Clint Barton was not having a good day.

First, it took him twenty minutes to find his purple bandanna in the morning (Stark has given it to him as a joke to cover his new SHIELD forehead tattoo, but Clint fell in the love with it and planned to continue wearing it even when the spell wears off. He also started to introduce more purple to his wardrobe. Purple was an awesome color!)

Second, he came to the kitchen only to find his team to perform another of their ‘Let’s let Loki be an Avenger’ intervention. Steve had a long speech about second chances. _Again_ . Thor reminisced about their childhood on Asgard and recounted a story that would have child services here on Earth alarmed. _Again_ . Banner spoke how Loki helped with Peggy Carter and discovering HYDRA. _Again_ . Natasha reiterated what Thor’s brother could add to the team. _Again_ . And Stark grinned at Clint’s disgruntlement as usual. _Asshole_.

He supposed that he _could_ forgive Loki. It seemed that the guy was trying to make up for the mess he created. Phil Coulson was found out to be alive (and Fury’s left buttcheek was still a little hurting from the arrow that ended there after Clint found out he had been lied to about it). And Natasha had _also_ tried to kill him before she changed sides. So, he could _forgive_ . Provided that he could then _forget_ about the guy.

Because to have him on the team? No. No, no, no. He could forgive him, but how could Clint ever trust him? He couldn’t imagine Loki as his teammate that would save the archer’s ass if things went sideways. Nope.

And finally, third: the Avengers alarm sounded and was that idiot von Doom. And he had new robots that were multiple times more horrible than the last ones. Well, what a great day.

The battle was not going well. It seemed that the robots have already killed a couple of people and hurt dozens more. Even the Clint’s most dangerous arrows did not do serious damage, Hulked was swarmed by the buggers, Thor’s electricity only gave them more power, Stark was blasting them and hacking them simultaneously but not doing that well, Natasha and Steve were on the ground protecting civilians but there was so many doombots flying around.

And matters became even worse when after an explosion Hawkey ended up on a roof several metres from Doom.

Doom immediately directed his guns at the archer and Clint aimed one of his last arrows at the fucker: “Stop, asshole, or this arrow makes a big hole in that head of yours!” but the archer didn’t fire. He would, no matter the consequences, but he knew that none of his last arrows had even a minimal chance to pierce Doom’s magic induced armor.

Doom narrowed his eyes but did not fire as well. But several Doombots appeared and surrounded Hawkey from all sides.

“Doom is not sure he believes the archer.” said Doom as considered Clint’s bluff.

From Hawkey’s comms it didn’t seem that help would come anytime soon.

_...Widow is unconscious, I’m taking her to safety.._

_… I need more hands and more hammers! There is too many of them.._

_… a building just crashed on Hulk, trying to get him out…_

No, not anytime soon. And Doom did not seem like a patient guy.

 

* * *

 

Loki watched the battle. He considered Doom a complete dunce at first, but it seemed that the second-rate sorcerer was doing quite well so far. The Avengers were starting to have serious trouble.

Oh, and his ex-minion just ended up facing the robot-whisperer.

Was that one of those explosive arrows or maybe even a worse one Barton just aimed at Doom? That could seriously harm his would-be-educator-on-villainy.

Oh! This was it! He shall save the Doom’s life and harm an Avenger in the process. That will show the robots loving villain that Loki is in fact no hero!

The god summoned one of his daggers and aimed it at the archer’s arm. He decided not to seriously harm his ex-minion. After all, he _was_ a good minion and perhaps when Loki conquers the Earth he shall re-acquire him back.

Loki was excellent with daggers. After decades of training he _never_ missed. So when he threw the dagger, it..

Correction: Loki never missed, unless a Doombot crashed into the building under the god’s feet in the last second of Loki’s throw.

So the dagger did not hit the archer, but Doom’s forehead. A normal Dagger (even thrown with Loki’s strength) would not go through Doom’s helmet. But an Asgardian steel? Further magicked by Loki? Well, that is another matter _entirely_.

 

* * *

 

The evening’s news were a _torture_ for Loki. They all showed one short video a New Yorker managed to film:

_The shaky scene start showing Hawkey facing Doom at a stalemate, it is being filmed from afar amd the only sounds are loud breaths made by the maker of the film and nearby explosions. Suddenly something flies from one side of the picture and goes right through Doom’s head. Doom, as well as Doombots, crumble to the ground. The camera is quickly turned around to see where the flying object came from and suddenly stops at Loki who is standing on the nearby roof, his arm still poised from the throw. Loki then teleports away._

That night the television, the internet and the newspapers were full of two things. One: that video and Loki’s continuous path of redemption. And two: Clint Barton changing his mind about Loki’s being an Avengers.

The alcohol on Earth was much weaker than on Asgard and it was very difficult for a god to get drunk from it. But that night, Loki made a valiant effort to do so.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Loki! He tries so hard.


	5. There are more ways how to be a king

_ When it rains it pours. _

It was several days after the debacle with Doom that Loki understood this saying.

Because him being lauded for another  _ heroic  _ act (after which even his ex-minion lost hope in Loki’s villainous abilities and labeled him a potential hero!) was obviously not big enough of a misfortune.

So far, none of his minions connected their fantastic employer ( / neighbour / acquaintance / …) with Loki of Asgard (after all, he was master of disguise, surely no one even noticed anything suspicious about him).

The god believed that his complete anonymity was going to continue as the video of him ‘saving’ agent Barton was not showing Loki’s face in great detail.

But unfortunately, one of his minions recognized him even so.

His cupcake-minion was now standing in front of him, hands on her hips and rhythmically tapping one of her feet.

“So.” she said so icily that he wondered if  _ she _ did not have some Jotunn ancestry.  “So.” she repeated. “ _ Luke _ .” and glared at him. “Or should I say:  _ Loki?” _

Loki did  _ not _ wince. Even in the slightest. And anyone who says differently is a dirty liar!

He was also not standing frozen in his spot quietly panicking as his minion started pacing and ranting. He was merely… tactically biding his time and... assessing the situation.

“... that you do not know some basic things. Oh my god! Here I was thinking that you have been raised in some strict household or maybe some kind of amish place, and it was entirely another _planet_! And... ”

No, no, no. This can’t be happening! This meant the end of spending time with his cupcake-minion, so no more walks through the city, tasting new dishes, cultural experiences, sex, baking lessons or receiving wonderful gifts!

This must be a nightmare, right? He will surely wake up any moment now… 

 

* * *

Mary was so angry with Luk- Loki. He  _ lied  _ to her! He was an  _ alien _ ! And not  _ any _ alien, but the one that has been plastered on the news for  _ months _ , first as an invader and later as a poster child for a redemption arc. But none of that mattered now - what mattered was that he had not been truthful with her. She almost stormed out from his flat but then took a good look at him. 

He was dressed in his green yoga pants and black ‘SLYTHERIN ROCKS’ T-shirt, and had Salazar (the snake plushie she had given him) on his shoulders - in other words he looked completely  _ adorable _ . Well, not completely since he was looking like a deer in headlights and was almost hyperventilating.

Mary sighed. While the reveal  _ did _ explain a lot, she was not sure if it was a reason big enough to break up with him. Because while he had his quirks (like automatically expecting others to give their assistance to him, having a darker sense of humor, or never waiting enough time for the cupcakes to cool down before eating them) and she was upset about him not telling her the truth about himself, he  _ was  _ a great boyfriend.

He was courteous (she enjoyed the results of him having read an etiquette book), excellent in bed (oooooh my), made her often laugh, accompanied her to any cultural performance or event she wished to visit (whether it was a ballet or a knit-your-own-gloves workshop), often surprised her with wonderful gestures (sweets created with her favorite flavours in mind or buying the whole CupcakeLand for her!) and also she always felt safe with him.

All right, she needed answers.

“So, Loki, you are from another planet, correct? 

Her boyfriend nodded.

“And meeting me was by chance, it’s not like it was a part of some kind of a plan of yours, right?

He nodded again.

“And when you said you cannot impregnate me, it’s because you’re of another species?”

Another nod.

“Do you even look like this for real?”

She noticed he hesitated before shaking his head.

“Would you show me your real form?”

His first reaction was panicking even more but after a while he obviously steeled and resigned himself. Why? Was his true form hideous?

Then he changed. 

...oh.

Not hideous  _ at all.  _ Perhaps even hotter than in his human form. And blue has always been her favorite color.

“Well, I like this look as well.” she said smiling and winked at him (and she might have giggled a little bit, but it was only because of the nerves and her being upset about the situation and everything, not because she enjoyed the view immensely).

He was gaping at her like he couldn’t believe she said that and then his cheeks got a little purple in color. Was this an alien version of blushing? Did no one complimented his blue form before? There must be a story behind it, but she will explore it another time.

“And any time you offered to smite someone for me, you actually meant that?”

His eye-brows creased as if he did not understand and then he nodded in the  _ of-course-I-would-smite-them  _ way.

Now it was her who blushed. That was kind of cool, wasn’t it? A god enraged on her behalf.

Her previous anger greatly subsided, so there was just one last thing to address.

“Last question: you’re here on Earth to apologize for the invasion and make reparations, right?”

 

* * *

Loki couldn’t believe his ears when he heard his cupcake-minion complimenting his Jotunn form. She even looked like she truly  _ liked _ it - in the same way she liked when he was slowly and sensually unbuttoning his shirt or when she walked on him doing one of his exercise trainings bare from the waist up.

Since he had been taught for hundreds of years that Jotunns should cause reactions such fear or disgust, her reaction was nothing short of a mind-boggling!

He must convince her to stay! He did not know where to search for another minion who would worship him as she did.

What could he offer her? More establishments serving cupcakes? Promise to smite anyone she wished him to? Or-

“Last question: you’re here on Earth to apologize for the invasion and make reparations, right?”

He was about to tell her that  _ no _ , he was  _ not  _ here for any kind of redemption, that he was here to have his revenge and to show all the mortals what he was capable of; he was about to rant that all his ‘bad deeds’ somehow ended up being good ones and the unfairness of it; he was about to proclaim that he shall rule this planet… yes, he  _ was  _ about to do all that. But  _ somehow  _ all his treacherous body actually  _ did  _ was another nod agreeing to her question.

He didn’t have much time to ponder about it since suddenly he was being hugged. 

Loki let out a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding.

“Okay, okay. I suppose I can forgive you then, but I still expect a lot of apologizing, okay?” she said soft smiling.

“Of course, my cupcake-minion.” he answered and brought her hand to his lips for a soft kiss.

“You know, since you in general don’t know some stuff, I have this mental list of things to check - like whether you’ve heard of them or not. I’ve been  _ very  _ far from bored in bed with you, so ‘role-playing’ was pretty down on the list of possibilities to introduce you to,  _ but  _ this prince and villain and hero and alien and blue and all that… that just brings possibilities, you know? So I think I will move it up on the list to the top.”

“Role playing? Like in a theatre?” Loki was confused again, they  _ did  _ go to several plays together, did they not?

“Oh you sweet ignorant alien. I would like to, you know, give you some silent treatment, but I really like you being all blue and I’m not going to punish  _ myself _ , so let’s teach you about role-playing.” she said with that smile that usually promised something Loki later become obsessed with (lately: belgian truffles and Agatha Christie’s novels).

He cocked his head and raised an eyebrow at her, challenging her to impress him.

Her answering grin could only be described as downright evil. Maybe he should take some villain lessons from  _ her _ ?

 

* * *

In the Avengers tower, preparations for Loki’s becoming an Avengers were being made. Because yes, all of the Avengers were taking at as a practically done deal, not even considering possibility of that not happening. 

If only they could speak with Thor’s brother and tell him that he could now continue his redemption path as one of them. A fellow Avenger!

Tony was overseeing the construction, furnishing and equipment of Loki’s quarters in the tower, because Thor mentioned that Loki was almost impossible to impress and the inventor took it as a challenge (Thor ended up regretting his remark since from that time he was being constantly bombarded by questions of what did Loki think about this or that - and yes, while Loki  _ was  _ his favorite topic lately, it  _ did  _ have its limits). The billionaire was also looking forward to discussing magic with the sorcerer and considered initiating Loki as another Science Bro.

Steve with Peggy’s new SHIELD were handling the paperwork of Loki’s status so the god could no longer be prosecuted for the invasion and would be considered an Asgard ambassador. The Captain was looking forward to having another being in the tower who would be clueless about some everyday stuff like he and Thor were (for example, so far nobody has been able to explain to them sufficiently the purpose of upgrading your phone every time a new model comes out despite the fact that the old one  _ still works _ !). Steve, Thor and Loki could try to crack these things together!

Thor was trying to smooth things back in Asgard. After all, when  _ he _ attacked Jotunheim and then understood he had been wrong, his status was reinstated with no further consequences, and since Loki was - based on his recent deeds - regretting his actions so much, he should be acquitted as well. Now he only had to persuade their father about this. The God of Thunder had already composed the list of dishes for Loki’s welcoming feast in the tower and conveyed it to Stark’s Heimdall (Thor quite liked the polite fellow, though he did not understand why he was living in the tower’s ceiling). Thor could not wait to spend time with his brother again! 

Natasha was working on creating new types of strategy and responses the Avengers are going to be able to perform once Thor’s brother joins them. She predicted that their infiltration (due to his mastery of illusion), interrogation (Loki and Natasha were going to be terrifying duo), fighting wizards and many others capabilities of the team were going to improve. She was also looking forward to having a teammate who relied himself more on his wit than just being stronger or having a long-ranged weapon.

Bruce was grilling Thor about Loki’s Jotunn ancestry, the history of relationship between Asgard and Jotunheim and the bigotry the brothers grew up with. After all, who better than him knew about having an inner monster? Though he was trying to come to terms with Hulk - perhaps he and Loki could try this together? He was also looking forward to learn more about Loki’s magical healing abilities and the healing potions Thor said his brother could prepare (though the Thunderer was mainly familiar with the hangover potion, Bruce was not very interested in that one, even if Tony seemed more than eager to learn about it).

Clint agreed to Loki’s inclusion perhaps hesitantly at first, but now he fully embraced it! Because Loki thought he could do pranks? Clint will show him pranks! Maybe those folks in Asgard were easy to impress with some primitive jokes, but Clint will teach the asshole what a determined and devious mind could come up with (that he could have some of his revenge this way? What, nooo, that did not occur to the archer. Not  _ at all _ . Mwahaha). Would the Asgardian Snape arrive already?! Clint was ready!

So yes, the Avengers could not wait for their new teammate to join them. The SHIELD was prepared to publish the pronouncement about the seventh Avenger (though Fury was gritting his teeth since he was pretty sure it was the Loki who stole his eye-patches.  _ His  _ eye-patches!) The public was even betting on when it was going to happen.

“So, I was thinking.” said Natasha and Clint ceased his attempts to steal a pancake from Steve’s plate (for now). 

Having the attention of the gang (sans Thor who was in Asgard) she continued: “I was thinking about the changes Loki made to his armor.”

“What changes?” frowned Bruce and his teammates showed similar confusion. She wanted to roll her eyes.  _ Men _ .

The Widow showed them an enlarged picture of Loki saving Clint taken from the video and pointed to several places. “Here, here and here. His armor used to be green and gold. Now it’s green, gold  _ and silver _ .”

“Ten bucks saying the guy discovered Harry Potter!” shouted Clint and then pouted when no one took the bet as it was the most probable reason why their future diva teammate did so. (Though Natasha slowly blinked showing that she had not considered this reason before.)

“Well, we  _ do  _ need more than one Slytherin on the team.” said Tony and waived at the redhead assassin.

“Indeed.” she said with a smile.

“Hey, I hope he won’t replace me as your new bestie, Nat!” exclaimed Clint and theatrically held his chest.

Her answer was interrupted by JARVIS: “Mr. Odinson just travelled to the roof and is on his way to the common room.” 

Steve was about to speed up eating his pancakes (Steve’s pancakes were a wanted article in the tower, one that other Avengers often wanted to sample) when he realized that there one of his last pancakes was missing. He threw his  _ Captain-America-is-disappointed-in-you _ look at Clint who was happily munching the stolen treat.

“FRIENDS!” boomed Thor from the door a little while later. He approached the table but stopped when he smelled his shield-brother’s famous pancakes but did not see any at the table and gave them his sad puppy dog eyes (and gave the impression of someone starving for eternity, not someone who ate the whole boar just three hours ago).

“Clint ate the pancake intended for you.” said Steve with completely straight face (yeah, Steve’s teammates quickly learned that he could be quite a little shit sometimes, though never unprovoked).

“Gee, thanks for that.” the archer muttered at Steve and said: “Sorry Thor, you know how Steve’s pancakes are.”

“That I do, friend Clint.” answered the god solemnly.

“So, any news in Asgard, you know, concerning your little bro?” asked Tony.

“My father agreed to waive Loki’s crimes prior to his incarceration.”

“That’s great, isn’t it?” asked Bruce who was confused why Thor was not more happy about it.

“Loki cannot set foot into Asgard for the next one hundred years.” grimaced the God of Thunder.

“Wh-” started the Avengers, but Thor continued: “Loki stole my father’s collection of eye-patches before he left.”

“So, he can just forgive the invasion and stuff but not taking his things?” asked Clint who was not impressed with Odin’s parenting abilities (the other Avengers weren’t either, Tony even thought that Howard could get the Father-of-the-Year Award compared to the Asgard’s emperor).

“My father liked his eye-patches.” elaborated the Asgard Golden Son and Tony thought that he should probably arrange a therapy (or maybe even several therapies) for all of them. Then he dismissed the idea because he couldn’t bear to inflict their bunch onto some poor unsuspecting psychiatrist.

 

* * *

Loki kept putting off another of his villainous attempts. Because, what if he actually  _ succeeded  _ and his cupcake-minion found out that he lied to her about his motivations? She would not probably forgive him again and that would put a damper on a lot of things. She was now not only his cupcake-minion and coffee-minion, but he gave the ultimate title of Earth-minion - because since she found out who he was, she set out to educate him on many Earth manners and aspects that were confusing him.

Then there was another thing. He liked the role-playing thing she had taught him - he could be anyone! An Asgard king, a Vanaheim king, James Bond, a teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts!!!, or pretty anyone who he wished. And yes, he enjoyed ruling Asgard like this - there were no boring meetings and no commoners clamouring for his attention and smaller taxes. It was perfect. And that could end if she decided that she did not want to be the cupcake-minion of a villain. And what if his next cupcake-minion would not indulge him so? 

If truth to be told, he was not so sure he wanted to rule Earth anymore. He watched a lot of documentaries about political systems and realized that the Asgard way would not probably work here. The long living Asgardians did not care about change and improvement, they did not constantly push their leader to do better, they just… were. Ruling the mortals would be like trying to rule a herd of cats, they would not listen and would just demand his constant attention with their incessant requests and problems. Perhaps he should just give up on this and conquer Jotunheim with ice-cream one day.

That did not mean abandoned his plans on getting his revenge on the Avengers. He just postponed them. It was not the right time for them  _ now _ . It was only  _ strategic  _ of him to do so. He  _ will  _ defeat Thor and his dimwitted shield-brothers! 

In the meanwhile he watched the battles they fought with various opponents. Usually they did not have many problems, but sometimes a tougher enemy appeared.

Today it was one of those days. The being they battled was huge and Cthulhu-liked (Loki enjoyed H.P. Lovecraft and imagined the mighty entity similarly) with tentacles that were razor sharp and deadly.

Iron Man’s most deadly missiles and Hawkeye’s explosive arrows only singed the creature a little bit, Captain America was currently unconscious after being thrown into a building, Hulk was greatly bleeding after a couple of blows with those sharp tentacles with Widow tending to him and Thor’s electric strikes only seemed to piss off the being.

It went similarly until Thor tried to get close to find a vulnerable spot. Suddenly, two smaller tentacles shot out and pinned the god to the ground. The creature narrowed one of its ugly eyes and prepared a bigger tentacle to pierce him with.

And in that moment Loki saw red. 

Later Loki thought that his reaction was so extreme because one: only  _ he  _ was allowed to stab Thor, and two: he was conditioned for  _ centuries  _ to help the oaf. So  _ those  _ were the reasons, certainly not such a thing as  _ sentiment. _

“HOW DARE YOU!”

Loki donned his armour and teleported in front of the creature.

“YOU DENSE MORONIC BEAST...”

He let out a beam of raw magic vaporizing one of the tentacles holding Thor.

“...LET GO OF MY BROTHER...”

The second tentacle pinning the God of Thunder was vaporized as well.

“...OR I WILL SET ON A QUEST…”

A beam hitting the creature itself.

“...TO ANNIHILATE…”

And another.

“...YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES...”

And another.

“... AND MAKE SUSHI FROM YOU.”

Loki stopped, took a deep breath and swayed a little. The magic was not supposed to be used like this, as a raw energy, so he felt like sprinting a cosmic marathon. He look at the creature. Well, the remains of it. Totally worth it.

A hand steadied him. Thor’s hand. Oh, Thor! Loki quickly checked if his brother was all right and finding that he truly was he quickly put a bored expression on his face.

The other Avengers were approaching as well and seemed wanting to say something but Thor stopped them with a hand gesture. “Thank you for your help, brother. Perhaps you could join us for a celebratory meal? We could feast together and Tony Stark has a lot of questions about magic, I am afraid I was unable to help him, but maybe you could. There are quarters you could refresh yourself before the feast. And let me tell you how I like your new armour.”

As Loki narrowed his eyes at Thor, several Avengers behind his back gave the Thunderer their thumbs up.

Loki considered the offer, he was too tired to use more magic to teleport away and it was not fair for him to miss the feast celebrating the demise of the beast  _ he  _ defeated.

What could be the harm in agreeing? After all, it would be only one feast, right?

 


	6. The seventh Avenger

_It was a trap! It was a trap! It was a trap!!!_

It was only the morning after the feast Loki understood that. And he fancied himself a true Slytherin! But this team consisting of four Gryffindors, one Ravenclaw and one Slytherin managed to best him!

It started so well by the Avengers not showing any hostility to Loki - one would almost say they were acting friendly (and that should have been the first sign!). Loki was showed to truly brilliant chambers that were obviously designed with him in mind (Stark glossed over their existence mumbling something about creating room for his teammate’s brother - that should have been another sign, wasn’t that tiny wretched imbecile always exhaustingly bragging about his projects and accomplishments?).

The chambers exuded elegance and wealth. They were furnished with dark mahogany which was carved with nature motives, such as spring and fire, plus here and there were some twisted elements adding a few chaotic aspects to it. Loki had to admire the brilliant design. Where to contract someone who would create this in his apartment? It seemed like a hunt for an apartment-designer-minion was in order.

One entire wall was covered with bookcases almost overflowing with books. Loki found there many of the books he had already read and enjoyed, some he didn’t know but looked promising, Harry Potter manuscripts that were thicker than should be and Loki found out they were containing scenes that originally didn’t make it to the books (!!!) signed by JKR herself and then there were old grimoires containing Midgardian attempts to practice magic that Stark _somehow_ managed to acquire. (Loki was truly tempted to stay in the room and spend the night reading while sending his illusion to the feast, but in the end decided not to - he could always steal these books later.)

The bed was very large and full of fluffy pillows (Loki couldn’t control himself and had to plunge into it). The sheets were of Egyptian cotton incredibly soft to touch and handmade embroidered with Nordic motives often containing the God of Mischief but some of them a little modified - Loki was always the winner in them, on one even holding Mjolnir pointing it on Thor’s chest. The god loved them and was definingly stealing them.

The pedestal desk was a masterpiece. Not only beautifully carved and inlaid, but was obviously containing many secret and hidden compartments. In the one the god discovered he found gold and smaragd cufflinks and could not wait to search for more. On the desk he saw calligraphy equipment and paper of the greatest quality. Yep, he was taking the desk as well.

The wardrobe was actually medium sized room containing perhaps enough clothing for the rest of Loki’s life ( _Loki’s_ life, not a midgardian one!). The suits were obviously of the highest quality, some inspired by what he wore in Germany (and didn’t that feel like a long time ago!). But there were many other not so formal yet elegant pieces of clothing, and wait - that gold, green _and silver_ (they _noticed?!_ ) thing… was that some kind of an armour designed with his abilities in mind? Yes, he was taking all of these as well (though where was he going to put it all?!).

The bathroom was another middle sized room. It was tastefully decorated with a large pool (no, that was not a bath, that was definitely a pool) and various selection of bath salts, aromas, herb extracts, scented candles to lit around and even a floating book holder. Loki… Loki realized that he will have to find a way to steal the whole apartment!

That was not going to be an easy task and not feasible anytime soon. But Loki was not one to deny himself any luxury. And Thor was today behaving a little less oafish than usual - perhaps he shall start visiting his brother more often?

When he finally emerged from the chambers he found Stark hovering outside them.

“Sooo, Reinde-” the billionaire cut himself as if painstakingly instructed not to address the god by some ridiculous nickname, “ _Loki_ , how do you like them?” he asked and if the Asgardian prince didn’t know better he would almost say the inventor was both nervous and excited about something.

“Stark, I forbid you to let anyone else into these chambers. _Ever_.” said Loki threateningly (well, at least he tried to do so in a menacing manner, but it seemed that he got it wrong since Stark grinned and beamed at him.)

Stark then led him to the feast. The other Avengers have already been there: showered, patched and wearing casual clothes. Thor was in an ugly tracksuit. Loki sighed. Figures. Well, at least he was wearing _something_. Sometimes after battles (and even other times) Thor didn’t feel the need to clothe again after the bath and strolled around in his birthday suit. It was especially awkward in foreign courts and Loki was glad he no longer had to deal with smoothing these situations.

When the God of Mischief saw the prepared delicacies his jaw dropped. In the terms of selection it even surpassed Asgard banquets. There must have been every Midgardian sweet dish imaginable and are those Muspelheim fiery cupcakes? And wait, he just saw the Vanaheim famous spicy biscuits! If only he had the Elven wine dip them in! Oh! There _were_ bottles of this delicious wine, and also Asgard mead and spirits! Well, if this was Thor’s way of apologizing, perhaps Loki _could_ be persuaded to listen. After all, he was a god. He could allow himself to be _gracious_ from time to time.

He nodded to the Avengers as a greeting and even sent a small smile (well, more of a combination of a smile and a smirk, but still).

Now to the important part. Sample all the dishes he didn’t know and hog his favorites.

As Loki took a plate and concentrated on piling the food on it, he didn’t even noticed the rounds of high fives that were going around.

The feast itself was a pleasant affair. Many stories were shared (Loki had a great success with the tale of where Thor had to wear a wedding dress - Loki even conjured an illusion of the Thor-bride, despite his brother’s protestations). The God of Mischief was pleasantly surprised that Stark and Banner were not _utter_ dunderheads and their questions about magic were _somewhat_ intelligent.

The disaster presented itself the day after.

Loki woke up still in the Avenger’s common room and realized that the pillow he had been hugging was not an actual pillow, but the Asgardian crown prince. All right, he may have indulged a little bit more than usual last night, so it was only _logical_ that his subconscious chose to settle down somewhere familiar and safe, namely: on Thor.

His only consolation that nobody saw it was short lived. As he turned on his phone he found out that last night Stark had had a _brilliant_ idea of tweeting a picture of sleeping cuddling brothers with the caption ‘Look who joined us tonight’!

And the public _somehow_ took it with the meaning that Loki did not joined only the feast but the team itself! All greater media outlets were displaying an article about Loki becoming the seventh Avenger! The less serious ones were even showing some fanarts of the new team already and debated the possibility of new merchandise.

Moreover Loki found out several messages from his cupcake-minion congratulating him and generally being ecstatic about the matter.

The god was still in shock when his brother woke up and took him to breakfast (trust Thor to have his steady priorities). To Loki’s utter horror the Avengers were actually taking it as a done deal as well. Did he drink so much he would forget an actual conversation about him joining the team? Loki didn’t _think_ so but also didn’t know it _for sure_.

Bordammit!

It seemed that he was now stuck as one of his brother’s teammates! Forced to reside in _those_ chambers. Hmm. Also compelled to let out his frustration on some interesting monsters, attend feasts such as yesterday’s one and let the public worship him as one of the heroes.

Hmmmm.

Well, as he thought yesterday, he was a god and could be gracious sometimes. He supposed he could _endure_ these _hardships_.

It was only when his ex-minion was snickering at breakfast that Loki realized that _someone_ had painted his nails pink last night.

The god narrowed his eyes. Well, now there was no doubt about it. He _had_ _to_ stay to retaliate!

And he _did_ want the answer for his defeat to be a true ‘god of mischief’ revenge, didn’t he? What better way than to annoy their everyday lives?

Now how will the Captain’s shield look with a non-removable dirty limerick on it?

 

* * *

 

Integration of Thor’s brother to their weird family was not very difficult. After all, the God of Thunder told them a lot of stories about his little bro, so they knew what to expect of the moody and dangerous emo-diva (Tony’s words). And all of them had their little quirks.

The unofficial rules of ‘Living with Loki’ were (so far) these:

    1. _Do not steal Loki’s food._ While stealing Steve’s pancakes was something of a sport in the tower, Loki’s food was not to be trifled with (similarly in ‘Living with Tony’ rulebook there was _Do not steal Tony’s coffee_ rule). The fellow Avengers also found out that if they shared _their_ food with God of Mischief, they scored some points with him (especially if it was something sweet).
    2. _Do not touch Salazar without Loki’s permission._ Loki’s new team met his plushie soon after he moved to the tower since the god had the habit of carrying the fluffy snake on his shoulders and rant to it about this or that. Thor who loved snakes tried to immediately pet Salazar. And yes, unsurprisingly, the Thunderer was stabbed. (The variation of this rule was fairly common, such as with Clint’s bow or Thor’s Mjolnir).
    3. _Do not badmouth Slytherins_. Apparently the new addition to the team identified a lot of issues concerning his upbringing and Asgard’s bigotry with the Hogwarts’ house and saying something poor about the Slytherins prompted him to explode in a mighty rant.
    4. _Tread very carefully around certain topics._ The list was not short and included for example: frost giants, Loki’s family (especially Odin) and the invasion. (Again, a very common rule also for the other Avengers who had their own issues that they did not want to talk about and thus had to be approached carefully, otherwise they prompted such things as an angry Hulk or a never ending lecture from Captain America.)



The breach of any of these rules usually resulted in some kind of a reaction.

The milder one could be just a rant or denying the tasting of the next batch of cupcakes baked by Loki (which the god shared if he was in a good mood).

The worse reaction often included stabbing (it needs to be mentioned that Thor preferred being stabbed to being denied cupcakes) or immediate spelling the person to look different (Loki’s favorite way to deal with Stark was to banish the inventor’s goatee).

The worst was though when Loki narrowed his eyes, put on his ‘plotting face’ and got really quiet. That truly meant that someone got on the god’s shit list. Most recently it was Fury who quite rudely demanded Loki to be interrogated about the invasion (despite being warned by the rest of the Avengers about rule four).

Perhaps Loki would have react differently to a _polite_ request but the way Fury approached it only resulted in Loki’s sitting on the couch, steepling his finger and watching the ex-director speculatively. Fury had to retreat (the other Avengers were no help since they were not Fury’s biggest fans after the reveal of Hydra and Coulson’s alive status) and after Thor saw Loki’s face he warned the other Avengers to steer clear of the spy for some time for them not to be caught in the possible crossfire of his brother’s retaliation (Tony immediately told Jarvis to start monitoring Fury as much as possible so he would not miss the fun).

Loki’s retribution came a couple days after when in the middle of Fury’s important meeting in Washington the spy’s voice suddenly changed as if he inhaled helium. Furthermore on his back appeared a big glittering inscription ‘Ask me to make you a balloon animal‘. No matter what clothes the spy changed to, the inscription stayed and moved to the new piece of clothing. Tony fell from the chair laughing when he saw the recording (as did Clint from his perch when the billionaire forwarded the video). Furthermore, Fury started to get unsigned postcards of photos where his stolen eye-patches collection was photographed somewhere around the world: eye-patches in front of a pyramid, eye-patches on the Eiffel tower, eye-patches on the Great Wall of China,...

Fury’s answer was to try to shoot the god (‘try’ being the operative word) which resulted in mama bear Thor threatening the spy-on-helium with being flattened by Mjolnir and long lecture by Steve about safety. After three weeks of the helium spell still being in effect Fury apologized (with gritted teeth, looking as if he was rather performing harakiri with a blunt spoon) and smirking Loki graciously accepted the apology and cancelled the spell.

The eye-patches postcard photos continued coming though.

 

* * *

 

The Avengers sans Thor and Loki were having a regular meeting concerning their newest addition to the team. Bruce, who was established as the record-keeper of these meetings, pulled out a pencil and a green notebook where he kept the meeting agendas and changes to the rules relating to Loki.

Clint was today happy as a clam. He and the God of Mischief were continuously carrying out epic prank wars. The archer spent last week pretending to hate his beloved color purple only to wake up yesterday and gleefully found out that all his clothes, things, hair and even his eye color were spelled purple. The rest of the team so far didn’t have the heart to tell Loki that Clint pulled one over him so the archer kept basking in purplesness.

 “Sooo, let me start.” said Tony. “I think something should be done about Loki’s overusing the word ‘minion’. I know we established that there is nothing sinister about it and Rock of Ages merely addresses anyone who assist him in some kind of way as his something-minion, but it’s getting ridiculous. I am all for him to keep calling Fury as a _SHIELD-minion_ and I guess I can deal with him calling Jarvis a _ceiling-minion_ , but yesterday he called me an _Iron-minion_. Me! Iron-minion!” exclaimed the inventor animatedly.

Clint gave him an unimpressed looked since the billionaire only snickered when _he_ complained about being called an ‘ex-minion’ by the god at one of their previous meetings, and then kept inspecting his purple nails.

“I am more worried about his relationships with his so called ‘cupcake-minion’.” said Steve. “She is a very nice girl and I do not think that Loki realizes they are dating. He never refers to her as his girlfriend, dame, betrothed or something similar, only ‘my cupcake-minion’.”

“Well, to be fair, Thor never calls Jane something like that either. It’s always ‘my lady Jane’ did this or that.” remarked Natasha.

“Wait, wait.” said Tony. “Brucie Bear, put it on the next Thor agenda.”

Bruce, who was also responsible for the other Asgardian, pulled out a yellow notebook and dutifully put a note into it.

“Now, back to Loki-doki.” continued Tony. “Someone should explain to him how it is.”

“Yes, _someone_ should.” said Natasha and raised an eyebrow at the billionaire.

“Wait, what? Why me?” said Tony in horror.

“Well, you _are_ in a relationships.” agreed Steve.

“And what about Mr. Married here?” said the inventor and pointed at purple Clint.

“Hey! It was me who had to explain to Thor he cannot walk around naked. And I also drew the short stick of having to give Steve _The Talk_!”

“Which you still didn’t do.” muttered Natasha.

“What talk?” said Steve.

“I’ve been mustering the courage to do so!” hissed Clint. “Nothing, Cap, nothing!”

Steve frowned but let it go for now. He shall find out later.

“Fine.” sighed Tony. “I’ll do it.”

 

* * *

 

Loki was reading on of the Earth grimoires on the couch at the Avengers common room (the next batch of cupcakes was in the oven so he wanted to be nearby). It seemed that the mortals delved into magic more deeply than he had previously thought. The notes even mentioned a secret magic society led by someone called ‘Sorcerer Supreme’. He will have to look more into it.

Someone cleared his throat.

Loki looked up from his book and saw Stark shuffling around. The rest of the team minus his brother was also in the room trying to look inconspicuously (probably waiting for the cupcakes?).

“Yes?” said Loki.

“You do know that you and your cupcake-minion are dating, right?” blurted Stark and someone in the distance groaned.

“What?”

“She’s your, you know, girlfriend. Someone who has romantic feelings for you, doesn’t have another partner but you and expects the same from you unless discussed otherwise, plans your future together, probably expects you two to start live together at some point and maybe even marriage and stuff, really depends on the couple and has to be discussed between them.”

Loki looked at inventor surprised. “For how long?”

“Ehm, for life? Unless you break up, of course.”

Loki creased his brows in thought as he pondered about that. Finally he said: “Midgardian life?”

“Yeees?”

“Oh. That is alright then.” said the god and returned to his book.

 

* * *

 

Since Thor, Loki and Steve were still getting acquainted with the recent Earth culture, the team often had Movie Nights where they watched films and tv shows.

Most recently they started Game of Thrones. Clint tried to sell to the Asgardian brothers that it was actually a chronicle of Tony’s family but only Thor bought it (and subsequently asked the inventor why he was wearing Lannister colors).

There was a little tension when watching the Lannister brothers on screen - one golden boy who loved fighting and was loved by their father and the other one relying himself on his wit and sharp tongue who loved books and was often ignored by their father. Yep, there was tension.

Fortunately even Thor saw the similarities and said so while remarking that the younger brother Tyrion was a badass (Loki taught him the word) and the tension went away.

“Well, brother.” remarked Loki. “At least we do not have an evil sister.”

“Yes, there is that.” agreed Thor.

 

* * *

 

To Tony Stark’s great dismay, Loki quickly became the public’s favorite Avenger. When he searched how it happened, he found out that it culprit was the Instagram account of Loki’s cupcake-minion.

The billionaire employed the whole PR team for the Avengers, but somehow ‘a girl dating a god sharing photos from their life and ventures’ was crushing them.

‘Loki cuddling Salazar’, ‘Loki baking cupcakes in his _Slytherins are the best bakers and brewers_ apron’, ‘Loki knitting a hat for Salazar’, ‘Loki eating ice-cream for the first time’ were just some of the favorites.

The inventor complained to Pepper but she just laughed at him (and subscribed to the Instagram account, Salazar in his hat was so adorable!).

 

* * *

 

Years later Tennis came with his children to collect the rest of the stones. Loki found out that his actual name was Thanos and not Tennis, but the name ‘Tennis’ was on the file for years now after Loki told them about the invasion and the God of Mischief also thought the name fitted the purple grape better, so he proposed to keep calling the titan Tennis. The rest of the Avengers unanimously agreed (to the grape’s great outrage).

The situation was dire as Tennis managed to collect all the stones and was about to snap. But Loki remembered the sling ring creating portals that he stole a long time ago from Stephen Strange (the two sorcerers didn’t like each other very much) and created a portal at the titan’s elbow effectively cutting Tennis’ arm with the gauntlet from his body. Loki quickly summoned it and put it in his magic cache (he was going to have titan blood in his magic cache, ewww! But needs must.)

The rest of the titan was destroyed soon after.

Loki agreed to send all of the stones but one to Asgard with the Guardians of the Galaxy where it will be decided what to do with them. The process would be held on Earth (that was now quite busy celebrating the victory achieved by their favorite hero who was perpetually preening these days because of the attention) but Loki agreed for this ‘honour’ to be performed on Asgard in exchange for waiving away the rest of his one hundred year expulsion from Asgard - he really didn’t care that much, but it was a little troublesome to keep sneaking in to say hello to mother. The god even sweetened the deal by sending Fury’s eye-patches collection to Odin as well (he suspected that it was the _true_ reason the Allfather agreed to waive the expulsion).

Loki also warned the Guardians not to leave too many stones in Odin’s possessions since he would probably only drop them on some unsuspecting planet. Again.

Yes, Loki only kept _one_ stone for himself (the Time Stone, so he could annoy Stephen Strange by having it). He briefly considered keeping all of them and figuring how to use the gauntlet so he could realize his long lost ambition of becoming an evil overlord but quickly discarded the idea.

After all, he knew that he sucked at villainy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand that's it. I hope you liked it :-).


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